Rambles...

My heart has to let go because I have to face the fact that ill never ever have you back in any way shape or form. I have to be ok with the fact that I alone fucked everything or anything that could have been up. A million prayers, wishes etc will never be enough to get what I want so I have to be ok with that and take responsibility for me being the one that made things the way they are now.
It hurts a whole lot to know I have to completely cut you out of my life because if I don't I'm just still stuck torturing myself.
You know the dumbest thing about this pain and regret I feel is that I know you don't care even one tenth like I do. I know you don't give me a second thought, you don't think at all about me and you could really just care less if I just disappeared and you never saw me again. I don't matter am I never did an I know that. I'm just stupid enough to feel and care and I don't know why...

Just another Friday night...

So here it is another Friday night and what am I to do? 
Well I think that chilled bottle of wine and movie marathons will be my exciting night!
I have come across one of my favorite movies that I just realized was a favorite since every time it's on I have to see it all over again. I think I've watched it about 20 times if not more. 
Legends of the Falls has to be by far one of the best Brad Pitt movies. I don' t know why this movie always gets to me.
So cheers to my exciting movie night on yet another dateless friday night...

"I'll wait for you, however long it takes. I'll wait for you forever"....

"I waited but forever was too long." 

Once agin feeling broken...

Today I'm feeling so emotionally drained and defeated. Just so you understand a bit I was in a very long, emotionally destructive relationship for years which left me pretty much lost and extremely broken... After many months of working on healing myself I think I came into a pretty good space where I know what I want and what I deserve.

After many ups and downs throughout this crazy journey a very special person came into my life that I instantly felt such a strong connection to. From the beginning it just felt so right. I went into this being completely honest about what I wanted and what I expected. We found common ground in the fact that we both have been emotionally battered but continue to try to look for some happiness.

For months things go great but I've sensed something odd about him lately. I asked him why is it that it feels like we are taking 2 steps forward and 4 steps back. It's as if he's scared to feel something for me.